I have been very anxious with the never-ending list of responsibilities I have at home, work, and life in general. If I wasn’t still breastfeeding, I would seriously consider popping some Xanax or whatever drug it is that helps with the mental angst you feel when it seems all the walls are closing in on you.
I work part-time, so I consider myself a PSAHM (Part-time Stay At Home Mom). Which means my time is divided in equal parts family and work. It sounds wonderful. But, finding the balance in both areas of my life feels like a joke. When my workweek starts I feel gung ho and ready to tackle what lies ahead of me. Knowing I only have so many days to get all my assignments done, though, is when the anxiety kicks in full throttle. Monday’s are bad. Not because it is the start of the week. I usually welcome the chance to act and look like an adult but, rather, it’s the feeling I don’t possibly have enough hours at my job to get everything done I need to. When I get home at the end of the day, I have nothing left in me to barely shower myself. I am mentally and physically drained. By the time I put my girls to bed, I sit on the couch for a short while until I can no longer keep my head up. I tuck myself in bed and pray the baby doesn’t wake up. Which will of course wake me up and make me question: do I go check or do I wait and let her cry for a bit? Mental angst all over again in the middle of the night. Heavy sigh.
I know I am not the only mom that works, and I am so blessed to work part-time, as most employers don’t allow it. And most parents can’t afford it. But, and this is a big but… I am always playing catch-up. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I want to feel balanced and in control. I’m guessing this has something to do with having some Type A personality in me. Something, I never really considered myself to be until I became a mom. Now I’ve noticed I never give myself a moment to relax. I am always doing some form of housework (Type A?). I don’t think I’ve ever gone to bed with a dirty kitchen. That makes me anxious as well. Even writing on this blog. I could spend the 1. 5 hours of quiet time I get per night watching television or scanning Facebook. Nope. I choose to write. It takes more mental discipline but it also gives me an outlet. Writing is my therapy. Especially when I feel like a friggin’ hamster.
I’m positive it also doesn’t help that my last real vacation was in 2010. I feel very strongly that a little R & R is the cure for most mental stress. But, that is unlikely to happen. I would feel too damn guilty leaving my children so the hubby and I could take a “couples retreat.” So… I will wallow in my misery and keep at the daily grind. However, for my 40th — I will be heading to Hawaii (kids in tow). Only 4 years to go. Sigh